


Certainties

by ninjamming



Series: Kana Ficlets [2]
Category: Coronation Street
Genre: F/F, semi canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-03-12 09:44:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13544745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninjamming/pseuds/ninjamming
Summary: Follow up to Possibilities. A series of ficlets showing events during or between Kate/Rana scenes, following the initial breakup of their affair. (latest: after Aidan)





	1. Jan 31st - kitchen argument

**Author's Note:**

> I'm officially deeming the Possibilities series semi-AU, because sometimes the Corrie writers need to sit in the corner and think about what they've done. So no they haven’t had sex five or six times, and even if they never address how fucked it is that Kate outed Rana (STOP OUTING RANA) on the show, you better believe I am now.
> 
> Little on the short side, but I might end up doing a few things on that mess of an episode :p

‘You _shouldn’t_ have told him.’

The way Kate squares her jaw, looks at Rana so defiantly would enrage Rana if she could feel anything but absolute despair right now. Kate has always been so headstrong, convinced her way is always the best way. In the past Rana's enjoyed that trait - her self confidence has, at the right moment, helped to bolster Rana's.

As it is, now there’s just a cold, aching numbness flooding through her body as stares at the floor. Looking at Kate is too much to deal with right now. ‘I had to.’

 __'W_ hy? _ ’ Rana cries. The word is high-pitched, sharp; it saws through both of them. She feels some grim satisfaction in seeing Kate wince. ‘Why would you _have to_?’

Kate shakes her head distantly. Her eyes are unfocused, and she seems out of it, somehow - perhaps the funeral or the adrenaline from dealing with Zeedan. Kate does not cope well under pressure, Rana is finding. Neither of them do. It’s a wonder they made it this far.

She gestures fruitlessly with her hands, trying to construct some sort of flimsy excuse. She doesn't believe it though, Rana knows, because there's little conviction in her voice, just panic. ‘I - I couldn't go on like this. Zeedan was out here thinking it was Aaron or Daniel, and when he came in he was basically about to smash Robert’s face in. _Someone_ was about to get hurt. I had to do something.’

Rana gulps.

‘So... You’d rather _I_ get hurt?’

A pause, where Rana lets the full weight of the statement sit in the air; in her peripheral she thinks she sees Kate swallow, too. That's all they ever do around each other anyway: choke back words and emotions because the truth is too heavy.

 _‘Rana_ ...’ She says it in a whisper and it reminds Rana of so many times she's cried in front of Kate and she's said her name that way Kate’s arm twitches, like she’s about to reach for her, but thinks better of it. Rana knows _that_ instinct. It’s the same one that’s made her want to comfort Kate every time she’s seen her cry over the past month or so, even after Kate broke her heart. The same one that makes her want to vomit when she sees Sophie taking up that mantle, instead. ‘You said yourself that it was better that things were over between us. Zeedan knew half the story already.’

‘Do you seriously not have any idea what you've done?’

Kate’s face twists with confusion. She’s _puzzled._ Fucking puzzled. As quietly as Rana says it, she makes sure Kate can hear every note of pain in her voice.

‘I told you about how my family would react. I _told you_. Now Zeedan knows, it's only a matter of time before they find out. And when they do, they're going to cut me out. I'll have no one then. Not even you, anymore.’ Rana sniffs; a single tear tracks its way down her face and slips into her collar. She smiles bitterly. ‘Is that what you wanted? Do you hate me that much for not telling Zeedan that we were together?

Kate rears back, shocked by the comment. ‘You honestly think that of me?’

‘I don't know what to think of you, anymore,’ says Rana. ‘I thought you understood what kind of situation I was in. How could you not?’ Rana wipes her face; lets out a shaky breath. ‘But if you _did_ get it… That must mean you did it on purpose, to hurt me.’

‘Rana, I...’ Kate trails off. She shakes her head,  biting her lip. What _can_ she say? What can she do? The affair is over. If she apologised, could Rana forgive her? If she tried to comfort Rana now, would she let her? Just to feel loved by her one more time? It’s tempting. But she's not sure she could handle having to let go again.

So she starts to leave. However, Kate reaches out and catches her sleeve, pulling her back.

‘I _don’t_ hate you,’ Kate blurts out. Her eyes are red rimmed now; not a patch on Rana’s of course, which feel like they’ve been raw for weeks. ‘I _couldn't_. I don’t know how. I’m just... Things got so mixed up, I wasn’t thinking... I wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt you.  But no matter what, I don’t hate you. I can tell you that.’

Rana blinks at her, then puts on her tried and tested False Smile. It’s starting to feel more natural than her real one.

‘Sometimes I wish _I_ hated you,’ she responds. ‘It'd be easier.’

Her shoulder brushes Kate's as she walks past, leaving her alone in the kitchen. This time Kate doesn't try to stop her, but she does hear a faint sob behind her as she shuts the door.


	2. Jan 31st - Rana comes out to Imran

When Rana turns up at Imran’s flat in tears - half an hour after leaving Zeedan with the wedding ring - he welcomes her in with barely a comment. He situates her on the sofa and hands her a tissue, with only a murmured note of sympathy and a pat on the shoulder. It scares Rana that he doesn’t seem surprised at all to see her in such a state; although, perhaps the panicked phone call earlier begging him for a place to stay for a few days gave him some sort of indication as to what was going on. In any case, he doesn’t start asking questions until Rana’s nose and eyes are red from repeatedly wiping them and her breathing has returned to a normal rate.

When she can finally brave looking him in the eyes, his face is uncharacteristically serious. He wastes no time in asking her the question on his mind.

‘There’s someone else, isn’t there?’ Imran doesn't need Rana to respond in order to get his answer: she's terrible at lying as it is, but her surprised expression gives it away all the same. He smiles slightly, but there isn’t much humour in it.

‘Rana, please. Remember who you're talking to. Even if I wasn't your brother, I know the signs of someone in an unhappy marriage  I saw them in the mirror everyday, for months.’

‘So... you knew already?’ she asks, with a sniffle.

Imran shrugs. ‘Suspected. I knew you were unhappy but didn't know why. Wasn't quite sure until I got that call from you and you turned up here in bits and half your mascara smeared down your neck.’

Rana reaches up to rub her neck self-consciously; she hasn’t paid much heed to her appearance over the last few hours, but she’s sure she must look like a wreck right now. ‘Zee and I could have just had a fight,’ she argues back weakly, unsure why she needs to. But part of her hates that Imran just automatically assumed that she’d fallen for someone else, and that he was right. Does everyone think so little of her, even her own brother?

‘You’ve not seemed yourself for weeks,’ explains Imran. ‘Ever since the wedding...’ He trails off, shaking his head. Rana tries not to remember that day either, even though compared to now the pain of not having Kate seems miniscule. At least then she’d never had a taste of actually being able to love Kate properly, and then losing her. Imran gives her a grim smile, folding one leg over the other. ‘Do you want to tell me who it is?’

Kate’s name nearly falls from her lips without being stopped by her brain for analysis, but then she hesitates. Rana realises it's the first time she's been in a position to actively choose whether or not to tell someone about Kate, instead of having it done for her. Face to face with the prospect for the first time, she finds it incredibly overwhelming; a slight tremble starting in her hands and bottom lip shows just how much the thought is getting to her. It takes more energy than she possesses right now to try and hide it from her brother, so he notices immediately.  

‘Hey.’ Imran gets up and sits beside her, putting his arm around her shoulders. He gives her a gentle shake. ‘Don't get all emotional on me now, Rana. I’ve only got so many tissues.’

Rana lets out a choked laugh, clenching the fistful of crumpled tissues she’s already holding in her fist. ‘Sorry.’

Imran reaches out to wipe an errant tear away with the knuckle of his index finger. ‘God, is it that awful and embarrassing?’ he asks. ‘Don't tell me it's like, Kevin Webster or someone like that - because let me tell you little sis, I _know_ you've got better taste than that.’

She lets out a laugh at that, too, albeit a watery one. It goes some way to easing the panicked knot of tension in her chest. But she finds she still can't say it. Imran is looking at her so supportively, so lovingly. They had their differences growing up but he's here for her now and she's so, so grateful. But he doesn't know the full story. Should she riskpotentially destroying the last good relationship she has left in her life?

When the silence goes on, he nods a bit, seemingly confirming something to himself. ‘Well, much as I'm dying to know... I'll let you be. For _now._ But, don't think I'm not still curious about the identity of this mystery bloke, who’s apparently so fit he could make you forget all your morals.’ He flashes her a smile as he gets to his feet. ‘Right. I dunno about you, but I could murder a cuppa right now.’ 

He gets up and walks into the small kitchen. She watches him boil the kettle, pulling down mugs and fetching milk from the fridge and humming to himself. She's been thinking of this moment for months, and not once has she ever truly believed that Imran might cut her off for being in love with a woman. Really, he’s probably going to find out eventually, once the street gossip mill catches up with what Kate’s let out of the bag. Although it's clear he doesn't approve, he's also not casting her out on her ear for the affair itself. It's not that much of more of a stretch to tell him who it was with. And, it doesn’t seem right for him to let her stay under his roof without knowing the full story.

So Rana says, too quietly: ‘It wasn’t a bloke.’

To her consternation, Imran isn't really listening. ‘Hm?’ he replies, busying himself with dividing out teabags into mugs and spilling milk all over the counter.

‘It wasn’t a bloke,’ she repeats, making sure to enunciate this time. No more hiding. Not from him. ‘I fell for a woman.’

Imran swears; she looks up in alarm, but he’s just spilt some milk on the counter. He pays it no heed, instead letting it drip down the counter while he stares at her. There's an inscrutable expression on his face, but not an upset one - he just seems like he's thinking. Imran sets the milk down and rocks back from his toes to his heels for a moment. He sniffs, rubbing his finger under his nose.

Then he says, very matter-of-factly, ‘It's Kate, right?’

He quirks an eyebrow at Rana's widened eyes and slack jaw. ‘Wh - how did _you_ know?’ She casts her mind around, wondering who might have told him. Zeedan? Kate? Michelle? Maybe everyone knows, and Imran was just pretending not to have heard in order to get Rana to admit it.

Her racing mind comes to a halt as Imran shrugs. ‘Not hard is it? You don't have many friends as it is, and it's obviously not Alya. And what other birds do you spend time with on the reg who actually fancy women? Honestly, Rana, I’m not that thick.’ The logic is comforting, in the sense that that she's glad to know that no one has outed her yet again. However, it’s disconcerting that it was so easy to work out. Imran gives her his first real smile of the night. ‘Besides, I _told_ you that you had better taste.’

‘Oh, shut up,’ says Rana, rolling her eyes at him, even though she enjoys the levity. It makes it feel a bit more normal - although, maybe that’s a bad thing considering they’re discussing an _affair._ ‘It’s over, anyway. She doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.’

‘Why not?’

‘It all got too much for her. And honestly I kind of get it. She can’t even be in the same room as me without getting into floods... And I’m not much better since she told Zeedan about the two of us.’

‘She what?’ Imran exclaims. ‘What, like - without your permission?’

Rana nods, inwardly pleased at the furious expression on Imran’s face. ‘I told Zee that I’d fallen for someone else, but not who it was. I thought since it was over between me and Kate it’d just add insult to injury... But apparently he went over to the Bistro and was ready to throw down with Robert, until Kate told him it was her.’

Imran positively  _growls._ ‘Kate’s gay, though!’ he says. ‘Surely she'd know better. Surely she’d know how that would end for you.’

‘That's what _I_ thought. I told her as much. But...’ Rana bites her lip. ‘I don't know, maybe she just wanted to hurt me. I wouldn’t be that surprised.’

At that, Imran’s eyes flash and his jaw hardens. _‘Hmm_ ,’ Imran replies. He doesn't add much more comment than that, but turns back to the mugs and finishes making the cups of tea. When he's done he brings them over to Rana, sitting down on the sofa too. Rana takes a sip, but finds it makes her already queasy stomach churn more so she sets it down again. Imran is oddly quiet and his face is cold and stony, a fact that frightens Rana. She's never not been able to read him before.

‘Do you hate me now?’ she asks quietly.

 The question surprises Imran so much he nearly spills his drink. ‘I’m going to pretend you didn’t just ask that,’ he says. The anger has fled his face, and all that's left is Imran's usual wide-eyed cheekiness, while he dabs at the small stain on his trousers. ‘D’you really think that little of me?’

‘I don't know what to think of anyone anymore.’

‘Well, _tempted_ as I am to ignore that question because of how silly it is... No, I don't hate you Rana. Lord knows I can’t exactly judge you after everything I’ve done in my life.’

He pauses, looking unsure. He licks his lips. An icy tendril of dread frissons through Rana’s stomach, because she already knows what he's going to ask. Sure enough, ‘I do have a nosy question though.’

She just waits for it to come.

‘... Are you gay, or what?’

Predictably, the question makes Rana stiffen up, as it has done every time it's come up in her head, or in conversation with Kate. Kate was always gently trying to get Rana to consider her sexuality in terms outside of their relationship, but whenever it happened she'd just freeze up. She isn’t sure why it’s so much more difficult (terrifying, is more accurate) to think about her identity than it is to kiss, love another woman and dream of being with her. However, her brain has decided on its hard limits and is not shy about putting its foot down whenever she tries to consider what kind of label she might fit into.

‘I don't know,’ Rana says, which is as truthful as she can be right now.

‘Bisexual, then?’ asks Imran, seemingly not picking up on how tense Rana has become; then word makes Rana choke a bit, thinking of that first conversation in the pub with Kate after kissing her. She's not made any headway since then and frankly she doesn't want to. As far as she's concerned Kate is the only woman she's ever going to love... And might even be the only _person_ she loves to that extent, ever again.

‘I don’t _know,’_ she repeats, teeth gritted. ‘Honestly, it doesn’t even matter anymore. Like I said - it’s over, she’s gone, Zee’s gone, and I’m here, _alone_ so there’s no point even thinking about stuff like that.’

Saying it out loud makes the icy tendrils seem to expand, numbing her insides. She puts her head in her hands, pressing hard on her forehead with her fingertips like she might be able to squeeze out any lingering thoughts about either of them. It doesn’t work; if anything it just draws more pictures to her imagination, including Kate’s tear-stained face, and Zeedan’s hate-filled eyes when he found out what she’d done. Two of the people she supposedly loves most in the world, and both of them can’t stand the sight of her anymore. 

‘I can’t believe I got myself into this situation,' she murmurs. ‘I can’t believe I’ve become this... This person. I... I can’t...’

She’s starting to lapse into tears again; she hears Imran give a little exasperated breath. ‘Hey, what did I say about those tissues?’ He shifts over on the sofa so they’re sitting next to each other, and puts his arm around her, giving her a brief but comforting side hug. He’s never been that great at comforting girls to be honest, but she appreciates the effort he’s making today. ‘Don’t go down that rabbit hole. That’s one you’re never gonna get out of, believe me.’

‘They hate me,’ Rana begins to weep, leaning her face into his shoulder and clutching at him for dear life. ‘They hate me and it’s all my fault.’

‘They don’t,’ he says soothingly, patting her on the back. ‘They’re just hurt. And understandably so. But they’ll get over it. And you will, too.’

But she doesn’t _want_ to get over it. The thought of getting over this - of forgetting either Kate and Zeedan - makes her skin prickle with panic. Her fingernails dig into the material of Imran’s suit, but she doesn’t respond with words. She simply cries harder, letting the agony of the past few months float to the surface. Everything she’s suppressed in front of Kate and Zeedan: so many secrets. So much anger. So much self hatred.

And now it all feels like it was for nothing. She hurt them both, betrayed them both, only to walk away even more unhappy than she started.

And that, more than anything, is what is destroying her from the inside out.

‘I _can’t_.'

Imran holds her loosely, helplessly - but then out of nowhere he whispers something. It takes Rana a moment to register the words over her own noisy, breathless sobs.

‘Oh, Christ. You were actually in love with her, weren’t you?’

She wishes she could say no, or downplay what it meant to her. But she's unable to. She's never been able to pretend that what she felt for Kate was a passing fancy, or a small crush she could get over. From the beginning she's known how she feels for Kate is something entirely new to her, and something she couldn't let slip by. She's known she was in love with Kate from the beginning, and never once been able to deny it.

She doesn't have to say that out loud, though. Imran takes one look at Rana, and groans.

 ‘Oh, _Rana,_ ’ he says unhappily.

It's all he can do to hold her while Rana breaks down, yet again - feeling like she hasn’t stopped falling apart for weeks.


	3. February - the breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No sleep again. When in doubt write your feelings eh? Haha...

By now, Rana is used to sleepless nights due to staying up thinking about Kate. First it was due to anxiety trying to deal with Kate hating her; then excitement thinking about their relationship, with considerable guilt about lying to her husband sleeping next to her. Now her sleepless nights are because falling asleep means dreaming about Kate's face, above hers, kissing her and holding her.

It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't wake up from them and have to endure the slow agony of reminding her mind that Kate is no longer hers. Before that she exists in a blissful moment of loving and being loved - then it starts as an ominous feeling creeping into her stomach before the memories come crashing back full force.

So she should sleep, but it's easier to endure the glare of her phone screen to unhealthy hours than allow any of the emotions churning inside to come to the surface. She shouldn't suppress things to this extent, she knows, but allowing them even an inch of room to breathe might spell disaster. As it is she hangs together by a loose thread, and one wrong movement could unravel her completely.

Her phone is the only gateway to Kate that she has now. Makes sense she can't let go of it, even at night. There are photos of Kate hidden away in her gallery; candid ones taken without her knowing; selfies. Her favourites are the ones Kate took herself, wanting to share some odd part of her life or some horrendous item of clothing she was wearing that day. It meant she was thinking of Rana. She'd give anything for a photo of Kate in that fluffy blue coat now, no matter what jokes she'd made at the time.

The gallery also contains the odd screenshot of a cute conversation that she hasn't been able to get herself to delete. She'd originally been careful, installing apps to hide them from Zeedan but there's no point anymore. They're there, prominently displayed and all too easy for Rana to reread and torture herself.

Remember that time you felt good about yourself because you had someone that seemed to like you for who you were? She  _ can _ remember for a few seconds while reading those texts. She can almost trick herself into pretending the conversation is happening now, smiling as she rereads a cute joke or compliment that Kate teasingly dropped. She imagines her responses, allowing herself to pretend she's still part of that world. At least until the screen goes dark from inactivity, as she's lost in her own thoughts, lost in a version of Kate that seems suspended in those images and may never belong to her again.

She can call, too, from this phone. Kate's number is still on there, sometimes blocked when she's feeling brave. The call log was emptied long ago, wiping traces of intimate, whispered calls in the night just to say goodnight, or longer chats during the day on their breaks when they couldn't get away from work. But the contact info is mostly left alone. Just in case.

In case of what? She isn't sure but if there is a call, Rana is going to pick up. Without a doubt. Even if the sound of Kate's voice when she hears it down the street (talking to Michelle or laughing with Sophie) sends pangs through her chest. Inside she's still waiting for Kate to change her mind and come back, and tell her everything is going to be okay. She knows it won't happen but it doesn't stop her checking her phone repeatedly for missed calls.

Worst is the social media. Initially she'd uninstalled all the apps but they gradually crept back onto her phone. She can't stop reading Kate's status updates or tweets, searching in vain for any sign that she's feeling the same way as Rana. If she is she's keeping it quiet. Instead Kate seems to almost be mocking her, or at least it appears that way from the latest photos uploaded to Facebook or Instagram. They're mostly with Sophie, her arm around the other girl’s shoulders and their heads pressed together intimately. Another shows Sophie’s lips pressed to her cheek, while Kate herself smirks up at Rana: ‘See what you're missing?’ 

She does.

Rana hasn't been able to upload shots like that with Kate for months - too paranoid that it'd be obvious she'd fallen for Kate just by looking at the photo. So instead she must make do imagining herself in Sophie's spot, wondering how Kate could have replaced her so fast. Is she happier now without all the drama that Rana brought with her? Was this who she wanted all along and Rana was just a nice distraction? The thought is too much to bear, so back she goes to rereading messages until she's soothed into forgetting for a few precious moments.

Rana stares at that phone until her eyes grow dry and painful, drooping from lack of sleep. It's her only connection to Kate these days, who won't even make eye contact with her when they happen to be in the same room. It gives her a little reprieve from remembering her sham of a marriage and her unravelling control over her personal life. Just for a bit, she can lose herself in the photos and text conversations, and continue pretending.

None of it is real; just images on a screen and in her head. But she can't seem to let go nonetheless.

 


	4. April 9th - the boxing match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the boxing match, and cute phonecalls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guess who finally had a day where I wasn’t a) swamped with job stuff or b) felt like shite? I keep telling people I don’t want to write and then Kana get on my screen and I can’t help myself… Apologies if it's a bit rough, not much time to spend on it :p

Carrying on a secret relationship isn't quite so bad when the person you're betraying already knows, Rana decides. Of course, it's never easy. She still can't kiss Kate or hold her hand in public; they have to hide it from Alya and Rana's parents; and there's the small matter of having to pretend to be married to the man she cheated on and that she can't see the wounded look in his eyes and Kate's whenever she leaves -

But it's better. Lately Rana has begun to count her blessings no matter how small, and the blessing she is counting today is not having to delete texts from her girlfriend anymore. As it happens, Kate texts a  _lot,_ and for some reason, it’s surprising to Rana. She’d seen glimpses of this side of her during the affair, but both of them were too busy being frightened about being caught to send many. Their texts were like their meetings - short, but intense and conveying the necessary messages and emotions. They couldn’t risk much more than that for fear of being caught. 

Now, though, Kate is free to chat shit to Rana all day long if she wishes. And oh does she. Half of Rana’s phone inbox is filled with rambles from Kate rambling to herself about some topic, while Rana is at work. She’ll check her phone during a break to see she’s received like ten in a row, making Rana wonder if she gets any work done at all.

_I miss you. By the way, today Daniel showed me a really weird video where some Irish lads were trying to catch a bat in the kitchen. He was laughing his head off. I worry about that boy sometimes, I truly do._

_Saw this acorn. Reminded me of you._ (Rana had no idea what that meant)

_If I were an animal what do you think I’d be??? I think I’d be something really mysterious and elegant. Like a panther. Or a leopard..._

Rana would text back: **I think something more furry. Maybe a fox? The Cookie Monster?**

_RUDE. Also excuse me, what about the other nine texts I sent you??_

Her favourites are the ones she gets late at night. Sometimes it’s a cute selfie of Kate in bed tucked up in her pyjamas which makes Rana giggle - sometimes it’s another kind of selfie where Kate is tucked up in bed which makes Rana let out a whole _other_ kind of sound. Most of the time it’s just a small ‘Goodnight. Love you :) x’ but even that is enough to melt her. Rana really is incredibly whipped.

Zeedan, on the other hand, is not so keen on their frequent communication. When he sees her face light up and the way she snatches up her phone, he always asks in a disgruntled manner, ‘Is that Kate? Again?’

‘Yep,’ she replies, because it almost always is. One time it had been Alya, and then five minutes later Kate had texted anyway saying she missed Rana.

‘Bit keen, innit?’ He sneers at her. ‘What are you two, twelve?’

If it were anyone else then she’d have shot back something cutting and sarcastic. But she knows Zeedan’s comments come from the hurt and jealousy he feels; she can hardly blame him considering she could only barely keep a lid on things when Kate was dating Sophie. She’s hurt him deeply through her own selfishness. And even though a lot of the time she hates him - he did force her to come out to her parents against her will, and called her names - there’s a part of her that still cares for him deeply and feels guilty whenever she looks at him. So she bites her tongue whenever he lashes out at her.

Regardless - tonight is the first time in a few weeks that Rana has not received any texts from Kate. In fact, she’s had very few since this morning when they argued briefly outside the clinic. She knows she’s been out celebrating with her brother and the rest of her family, so there’s probably not been time. Rana herself has been too busy watching the charity-boxing-match-gone-horribly-wrong, and being the ever supportive to friend to Alya while she rants, and comforting Zeedan over his loss. Watching David lose control on Gary like that had been incredibly disturbing, even as a bystander; she’s glad the only fallout from Zeedan’s match against Robert had been grumpiness and sore feelings.

Still, she’d love to see Kate right about now and debrief about their respective evenings. She’s tempted to pop over and see if she’s at the flat, or down the pub - but if Alya is there she might ask questions, and she can hardly show her face after refusing to spend time with the Connors. And anyway, Zeedan is sitting right there on the sofa, brooding, tending to his wounded muscles and ego. The mood he’s in, he’ll probably find something to kick off about.

Even so, she can’t help her hunger to speak to Kate today, wanting something to push away the image of Gary’s bashed in face and the gloom of the day from her mind. She makes some mumbled excuse to creep upstairs into the bathroom and dial Kate’s number.

To her surprise, Kate only picks up on the third ring. Rana can tell from the first few words she speaks that she’s tipsy. ‘Ranaaa!’ she exclaims, loud enough that Rana winces and has to hold the phone away from her ear. Well, at least she’s not still annoyed about this morning. ‘Everything okay, babe? Wait, wait, let me just head outside so I can hear ya over this rabble.’

‘Are you out?’ Rana can hear the sounds of scraping chairs and Kate making her excuses to her family in the background.

‘Yeah, at the Rovers. Where are you? You’re echoing.’

‘Home,’ she answers. ‘In the bathroom.’

It gets quieter on Kate’s end as she presumably steps outside, and when she chuckles Rana can hear every rising and falling note of her laugh. She’s drunk and obviously high off the brother’s celebrations, despite what else has occurred on the street tonight. Even though Alya needed her, Rana can’t help but wish she _had_ gone with Kate after all, if only so she didn’t feel so down now. ‘In the bathroom? Babe, I know we’re close, but dunno if I wanna hear you pee yet.’

‘Oh, shut up,’ replies Rana fondly, their banter going a long way to untwisting the tightness in her stomach. She sets the toilet seat down and sits on top of it. ‘Have you had a good time with your family?’

‘Yeah, it’s been amazing. Guess what? Carla’s given Aidan 100% rights to the company!’

‘What? That’s so great!’ She is genuinely happy for Kate's brother - he's never been anything but nice to Rana, and admittedly she's been able to relate to his situation with Eva a whole lot more lately. ‘Is he pleased?’

‘Yeah!’ Kate pauses. ‘Well, I think so. I think he’s a bit overwhelmed, but who wouldn’t be?’

‘Definitely. Sometimes getting what you want is _so_ scary.’

‘I know,’ says Kate, ‘guess that’s why I were terrified when you kissed me the first time, eh?’

The smile Rana wears is the usual one when Kate says something cute; she’s been doing that a lot lately. ‘Give over. How drunk are ya?’

‘Drunk enough. But tomorrow I’ll be sober… And you’ll still be my lovely, beautiful girlfriend,’ she responds easily. They both remember the last time Kate used that structure, and how drunk she was back then. The memory still gives Rana faint pangs, particularly since she’s still married to Zeedan in most senses of the word - but they’re starting to fade with every day she spends as Kate’s partner. And every time she says stuff like that.

‘I don't remember you being this mushy when you've been drunk before.’

‘Only when I’m this happy,’ says Kate. ‘I’m made up for Aidan, I really am. And Carla’s doing loads better. After the time I've had, feels like my family is finally pulling together and it's such a relief… Only thing that would have made tonight better was if you were there.’

She says it without a hint of accusation or sulkiness, for once, and somehow that makes Rana feel worse about the whole situation. ‘After the way tonight ended up, I think so too,’ says Rana. ‘And I _am_ sorry for not coming, by the way. I really do want to come and meet them properly, it’s just...’

‘I get it,’ Kate interrupts. ‘I was only sulky because I want to show you off.’

‘You say that like I don’t want to show you off too. You know how much I wish I could call my mum up and gush about you? Or gossip with Alya about some of the adorable things you’ve said to me over some wine? I’m finally happy and feel like I’ve found the love of my life… And I can’t share it with anyone. It’s  _horrible.’_

‘Oh, babe.’

‘It’s fine,’ she says quickly, because Kate sounds truly sad for her and she wants to keep this conversation upbeat. ‘More to share with you.’

‘Definitely. But I still can't wait to tell them all about you and have them meet you,’ says Kate; she drops her voice to a stage whisper as she says it, in case anyone nearby hears it. ‘They're going to love you almost as much as I do.’

She’s so fucking sweet. ‘I really hope so.’

‘That said... They're still in there and probably wondering where I am. Plus, it’s bloody cold out here and I’m freezing my tits off. Seriously, it’s April, this weather is inhumane,’ she rants. ‘Do you mind if I go back inside? I'll text ya.’

‘Nope. Mostly because, if you froze your tits off, I’d be well disappointed.’

Kate barks out a laugh. ‘I’ll keep them well wrapped up for ya, then. Oh - Rana?’

‘Yeah?’

‘I love you!’ She hangs up immediately after saying it.

 _So_ fucking sweet. Rana spends a few moments staring at Kate’s smiling face on her phone screen and debates calling her back just to yell that she loves Kate back - but that’s verging on teenage girl behaviour, and she’s enough of a stereotype as it is. Rana gets up, flushing the toilet to make it seem like she’d been using it, and leaves the room.

However, as she closes the door behind her, she comes face to face to Zeedan, arms crossed over his chest. Should have known he couldn’t bear to not know what she’s doing for a whole fifteen minutes without nosing into what she’s up to.

True to form, Zeedan frowns and says, ‘Were you on the phone in there?’

‘No,’ she says, trying in vain to hide her phone in her pocket. Her jeans don’t have pockets. Damn.

‘Was it Kate?’

She can’t lie to him anymore, and anyway, it's pointless trying when he could probably hear through the door. Instead of looking angry or making a comment, however, he just sighs. ‘How old are you two again?’

‘We’re in love,’ Rana tells him simply, tired of his repeated barbed comments.

At that, he sneers and turns towards the bedroom. As he does so, he says over his shoulder, ‘Yeah. Once upon a time, I thought we were, too.’

Maybe carrying on a secret relationship isn’t as easy as she thought, even when the other person knows.


	5. April 18th - the kidnapping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am moving tomorrow. I should not be writing. Whoops. Why am I either writing loads or nothing?!

Imran left a while ago to finish up the work he'd abandoned to rescue Rana, promising to pop back later. Yasmeen had also made her excuses; however, Kate knew it was not about any important errand, but leaving Rana some privacy. Over Rana's shoulder, Zeedan is watching them quietly with his arms folded.

He is the only one to remain in the house besides Kate, and a one-sided battle is waging regarding who should remain.

If Kate had any attention to spare for Zeedan, she would know full well from the yearning look in his eye that he is wishing that he is in Kate's place right now. Comforting Rana, and holding her. She can't blame him; she would feel exactly the same, and in fact has been the last few days when Zeedan has been taking care of Rana. It's hard not to be jealous when they both want to be the one looking after her. It's like Rana's attention has become this toy they're both fighting over, snatching it back and forth - and she worries Rana is going to get injured somehow by being in the middle of it.

But Rana made her choice already by letting Kate wrap an arm around her shoulders and comfort her. She's currently crying silently on Kate, face buried in the soft material - not a thought for Zeedan at all. Kate, despite making the occasional eye contact with Zeedan, mostly directs her attention to running her fingers through Rana's hair in the way she knows she likes. Muttering comforting, meaningless statements. Trying to keep herself together, because Rana needs her right now. She'll have to swallow her own emotions and deal with them when she's alone.

In short, neither care much for Zeedan’s feelings, as he watches someone else love his wife. Maybe better than he ever did.

Zeedan eventually murmurs something about going out for a walk, but it falls on two sets of deaf ears. He throws one last pained look at the couple that have no care for his presence at all in that moment, and stalks out into the night.

They hardly notice.

When the door closes behind him, Kate gently leans back from Rana. ‘Hey.’ She pushes a wet tendril of hair away from where it's sticking to Rana's face. ‘Are you okay?’

Rana just stares at her, and Kate realises what a stupid question it is.

Rana looks weak. Even without the events of today, she's only just over the worst of the flu. And even though she seems to have a killer immune system, there's still a thickness to her words and glassiness behind the eyes suggesting illness not quite passed.

Not to mention, beneath it all, Kate can see the exhaustion from the last few months weighing heavily on Rana. It's not that Kate doesn't feel it too - she's suffered just as much - but somehow it feels like Rana's gone through things this past year that she will never relate to.  

The world Kate has been exposed to is one she simply doesn't understand, and never has. It stung to hear Rana say that Kate didn't get it, because it's so true - she hadn't even considered that the Habeeb family would have cut her off so completely. She hadn't even considered that it was an option. She feels helpless, powerless against these beliefs which she thought mostly just existed among harmless old people these days and the odd Internet troll. There were many places where people suffered day to day for being gay or bisexual, she knew, but not here - _not here._

But it's happening in 2018. Right here, in Rana's living room. And for the first time Kate becomes fully aware of the extent of her ignorance, and of the existing cruelty in the world. The thought of her own family disowning her or betraying her in the way Hassan and Saira have to Rana doesn't bear thinking about; she literally can't imagine how Rana feels.

However, she _can_ imagine losing Rana forever, all too easily. Despite her bravado and romance filled words about tracking her down in Pakistan, Rana is right that she might never have found her. Pakistan is huge, and even with Imran on her side, if the Habeebs didn't want Rana found they could have made it happen.

Worse still, Kate might have tried, and upon repeated failure, assumed Rana simply didn't want to get in contact with her and given up. She likes to believe she'd search forever for Rana, but eventually there would come a point where she'd lose hope. And Rana would never even know. That prospect is somehow much more heartbreaking than Rana simply breaking it off with her for any other reason. 

Kate cups Rana's face, stroking her thumbs beneath her eyes. Usually so warm when looking back at her, now just completely empty and red with shed tears. Sometimes, it seems like all Kate ever does is watch her cry. 

‘I wish I knew how to make this better for you,’ Kate whispers. ‘I can't believe they'd…’ She shakes her head, letting out a breath. ‘I just can't believe it.’

The left side of Rana's lips jerks in a strange facsimile of a smile. ‘I can,’ she says simply. ‘I hate what's happened, but deep down I'm not surprised. And somehow that hurts even more.’

‘I'm so tired of watching you get hurt. We can't let them get away with this.’ She tries to sound braver than she feels, because honestly she has no idea how the law works around this kind of thing. ‘I mean, they were basically kidnapping you.’

‘What's the point?’ replies Rana dully. ‘We stopped them in time. They've disowned me.  They're not going to talk to me ever again. I've already lost everything.’

‘Not everything,’ Kate reminds her, but Rana gives no response. ‘You can still stand up for yourself. You can take control and power back from them.’

‘What's the point?’ she says again. And this time Kate knows Rana has already decided there is none to be found, and that she will not accept any suggestions from Kate. But she can't quite let it go just yet. 

‘I just can't stand them hurting you like this, and not facing any real consequences.’

‘Seems familiar to me.’ There's an unusual bitterness to Rana's words. She's not always optimistic, but she's not usually so fatalistic either. 'There's nothing I can do. And nothing I want to do, besides sleep and pretend none of this ever happened.’

 _This_? 

Her hand must still on Rana's arm, because she looks up hurriedly and hastens to add, ‘I mean, Alya coming home and finding us with my parents. And hurting Zee.’

Kate lets out a breath she had been holding, relieved. ‘Yeah… Sorta wishing I'd left it at the Easter egg now.’

Rana gives her first genuine smile of the night at that. ‘I suppose it's my fault for being irresistible eh?’

‘Definitely.’

She tries to pull Rana into a kiss then, to absorb some comfort from the usual gesture. Although she acquiesces for a few moments Rana breaks it all too soon; when Kate looks at her questioningly, she sighs.

‘Sorry, I... I feel weird. My head is in a right state from crying. I think I might just need to head to bed. Is that okay?’

That surprises Kate. Their time together being so scarce, she can hardly think of a time they've specifically wanted to be apart. She swallows her worry though, and plants a smile on her face as she also plants a kiss on the back of Rana's hand. ‘Of course. I'll let myself out.’

‘I love you,’ says Rana, as she's gathering her things - easing some of the worry she feels. At least that's still real.

‘I love you, too.’

At the door, Kate nearly turns back to ask if they're okay. Kate is increasingly aware of how needy and clingy she seems lately - and accordingly, how much she craves the affection back from Rana. It's partly about her jealousy of Zeedan, and partly her incredulity at finally being able to be with the woman she loves. At any moment it feels like it might slip through her fingers, and she constantly wants Rana to reassure her that it isn't so.

This time however, she forces herself to turn back, and leave the house without saying anything more.

Rana has enough on her plate without dealing with Kate's insecurities too.


	6. April 25th - in Kate's flat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unsure how I feel about this chapter - I'm glad Kate and Rana seem to be trying to talk things through but nothing feels entirely resolved. Sorry it's not very cheery, but their scenes aren't at the moment!
> 
> With any luck (unless I think of something better) the next one will be from Friday's ep, where Kate calls the police.

The silence between Kate and Rana is frosty, tonight. Sure, nothing can compare to the chill that would descend on the room when Kate was dating Sophie - but still, Rana is distinctly aware of the distance between them and the way their hands are steadfastly gripping their respective mugs instead of each other's hands. They fell silent a while ago, after Kate's final comments about Rana’s parents. She’s been pretending to watch _GPs: Behind Closed Doors_ (which Rana could give a few stories to, for sure) for the last half an hour or so. Secretly she's just been watching Kate out of the corner of her eye. 

Because she is _getting on Rana’s nerves._

Kate won’t stop moving. She shifts her position on the sofa every few minutes or so - drawing her legs up to her chest, putting them out on the small coffee table in front of her, crossing them, returning them to the floor. Sometimes she’ll swap her mug from hand to hand, too, or start biting the pad of her thumb. She’s just a constant source of movement in Rana’s peripheral, and every time Kate uncrosses her legs again she can feel her blood pressure beginning to rise.

She knows she shouldn’t say anything. Kate isn’t doing it deliberately to piss her off - she’s not _trying_ to hurt her or annoy her. She’s just being Kate. Beautiful, kind, lovable, sulky, annoying Kate. Who keeps uncrossing her legs, and making faces every time she brings up Zeedan, and reminding her that her parents hate her and it _hurts_ because Rana just wants to reduce the bottomless pit of guilt deep in her chest and work out who she is without losing anyone else, and trying to balance her precariously new and wonderful relationship with Kate at the same time -

Okay, so maybe this isn't about Kate not being able to stop moving.

Rana takes in a subtle breath, cutting off those racing thoughts and trying to calm the sudden lump in her throat. Count: 1, 2, 3. She holds it, then exhales as quietly as she can so as not to draw Kate’s attention. She’s too engrossed in the TV right now anyway - or maybe she’s just pretending to stare so hard her vision blurs with tears, as Rana is. It’s difficult to see since it’s begun to get dark, and she hasn’t bothered to get up and turn the light on, for fear it might spark another conversation.

They’ve been sitting in silence since the programme began, and finish it in silence too. As the credits roll, Kate plants her feet on the floor and stretches luxuriously, yawning to herself. She seems as relaxed as ever; Rana watches her with jealousy, then wonders why the hell she is jealous of her own girlfriend. She should be glad Kate has no real idea of what losing family as an adult is like, or about the guilt of having conducted an affair that ruined multiple lives while your ex is still in love with you.

 She should be glad, and normally she is, but tonight it just feels… lonely. It's oddly suffocating, feeling so lonely next to the one person she loves most in the world right now.

 Rana clears her throat softly, and Kate turns to look at her for the first time in a little while.

‘Alya will be back soon,’ Rana says quietly. ‘I should probably get going.’

The growing darkness of the room make the lines of Kate’s frown stand out starkly. ‘Oh,’ she says. ‘Alright.' She turns back to the telly, her shoulders a tense, hunched line. Rana wishes Kate would just ask her to stay if she wants it to happen, but it seems she's too stubborn to right now. She sighs, intending to look for her coat.

But just as she's getting to her feet Kate says, ‘Are you really going because of her, or because of something else?’

She shrugs. ‘If she sees me here it’ll just cause more aggro, and I’m really not in the mood for it right now,’ Rana replies, honestly enough. ‘Today’s been long enough.’

Kate just scoffs. ‘Why do other people influence your decisions so much? If you want to go then go, but if you want to stay then stay - stuff Alya.’

‘Are you saying you want another argument with her too? Because you know that’s exactly what will happen.’

‘No,’ says Kate tersely. ‘I’m saying that I don’t really care what she thinks about us, one way or another.’

'She was your friend too, you know. Once upon a time.'

'Yeah. Key word, there - “was”. She’s not really acting like one at the moment, though, is she?’

That seems uncharacteristically callous, for Kate, and neglects to mention that Alya is probably entitled to be a little bit unfriendly to them for betraying her brother. The contract confuses things, but Rana understands better than anyone how confusing loyalty can be when it comes to family. She wonders if that's how Kate really feels or if Kate’s just saying that to sound like she’s not bothered by the situation.

It’s tempting to just leave the room and hope things go back to normal between them after a good night’s sleep, and she probably would have done with Zeedan. But something - possibly the flickering, rage beginning to build inside of her ever since this affair began - seems to have escaped its restraints. She's finding it harder and harder to hold back her own emotions these days.

And anyway, look how not talking worked out for her and Zeedan.

‘I'm just wondering. Is it easy for you?’ Kate is confused by the question - she looks up at Rana blankly. ‘Cutting people out.’

 ‘... What do you mean?’

 Rana sets her jaw; tips her head back like she's confident about her words, even though her mouth has gone dry. ‘When people do you wrong, you’re always so good at just… leaving them behind. I just wondered if it’s genuinely easy for you, or if you just don't show how much it affects you.’

Kate is wary, and Rana can't blame her. The tone she used was pleasant enough but there's ice in those words. ‘I do give second chances, but they have to really deserve it,’ says Kate slowly. ‘It’s not easy for me, but I also don’t want people in my life who are gonna bring me down with their negativity. And I suppose if I’m being totally honest, if it looks like I’m cutting someone out fast, I’ve probably already been thinking about doing it for a bit already.’

She’s not sure what makes her do it, but Rana voices a buried hurt that's been rattling around in her head for a long time now. Their difficult beginnings haven’t really been talked about, given that there’s always been fresh drama to attend to - not to mention, the idea of Rana being homophobic quickly went out of the window after she kissed Kate for the first time. However, Rana still hates to think back on the time in her life when she thought they might never be friends again.

Come to think of it, there’s been a few of those.

‘You tried to cut _me_ out. When you thought I was homophobic.’

Kate, suddenly realising the path the conversation is taking, sinks back into the sofa a bit. Guilt is etched into her expression. ‘Well, at the time I thought you were straight,’ she mumbles. ‘And you were sitting there rolling your eyes every time I kissed Imogen. What else was I meant to think?’

'It's not like you tried to talk to me about it though,’ Rana says, so bitter that it surprises her. She hadn't realised it hurt her so badly. She's not even sure if it truly did, or if this conversation is just _easier_ than anything else they could be talking about. ‘You didn’t even try to find out what was happening, did you?’

Kate stares at her for a few moments, looking worried and guilty - good, Rana thinks. She leans forward to set her long-empty mug on the table, and then places her hand on Rana's knee as she did earlier. But much more tentatively, this time.

‘What is this really about?’

She doesn’t know where the words come from, only that they won’t stay in her brain where they belong, and they won’t stop making her sound like a six year old. She should just stop now, cram all the emotions back inside her and pretend they never existed like she usually does. ‘Were you already thinking about dropping me as a friend at that moment? Are you just going to turn your back on me one day and drop me if you think I'm not good enough?’

It's as though Rana slapped her. ‘Am I - God, of course not!’

‘Are you sure? Because you're literally all I have left right now.’ No, she’s not crying today. She’s had enough of feeling weak and unable to voice things for fear of bursting into tears. ‘And I trusted my parents, and they still hurt me, so who's to say…?’

Kate, normally so quick to comfort her, is just staring at her with wide eyes. Rana can't really blame her, since she is the one who sent this conversation spiralling out of control in the first place.

‘I can't bear to lose anyone else. I can’t just cut people out and stop caring about them. I can't turn my back on my parents, just like that. I'm not such a heartless bitch that I can just forget they’re my parents or that they ever existed, even when they hurt me.’

 _I’m not you_ is not said, but it does not need to be.

Kate's hand retreats from Rana’s leg. She sits for a few moments, open mouthed - trying to keep her composure.

‘Is … Is that honestly what you think I do?’

‘I don’t know. You didn’t have any problems cutting _me_ out, did you?’

Kate inhales, with a sound like a wounded animal. ‘Of course I did,’ replies Kate, teeth gritted. Every word sounds like it's an effort for her. ‘Of course I fucking had a problem with it, Rana. It was _you_. Even then I cared about you and loved you so much. It hurt to think you despised a big part of me. Why do you think I kept talking to you, and picking at the issue instead of just ignoring you altogether? I still cared, and I wanted you around, even though I was angry and hurt. _Not_ having you in my life felt alien and wrong.’

Rana’s head snaps up hearing those words, and she’s hopeful for a moment that Kate might hear herself and realise - but she just sighs tremulously.

‘Is this just you wanting me to apologise for being a massive idiot back then? Because I _am_ sorry. I wish I had talked to you about it instead of assuming and making a prat of myself. I wish I hadn’t hurt you and accused you of those things. I wish I hadn’t taken Imogen’s side over yours. I wish that every day.’

Rana sinks back into the sofa too, disappointed. She thought Kate had been about to understand how she felt about her parents. ‘It's fine. I'm not sure you know what I'm getting at.’

Kate's hand finds Rana's and squeezes - anchoring her. ‘So help me understand,’ she says earnestly. ‘ _Please_. I really want to get it.’

Her voice wobbles and for a brief moment Rana just feels more angry - what reason does Kate have to be upset when she has all her friends and family around her? But then she looks at Kate, and sees the concern welling up in her eyes. She has never been able to stand seeing Kate cry.

She nods a little; seeing Rana softening, Kate hastens to tell her, ‘I know I hurt you, back then. Made you feel like I didn't care about you. I know I can't take that back or make it better. But I have to make you see that even though I don't usually have problems cutting people out… With you, it was the worst thing I'd ever had to do. And that's why I'm here now, so fucking in love with you I don't even know how to manage it.’ The corners of her lips turn down. ‘You're all _I_ have sometimes, too, you know?’

Rana knows she's confused Kate, and herself, by bringing up the Imogen situation. It doesn't help at all with the ache in her chest about losing her parents, but it does help patch a wound she didn't even know had been festering beneath the surface. Even so, it's plainly unfair of her to attack Kate about this now, when what she's really upset about is a whole other thing. ‘ _I'm_ sorry. I don't know why I brought all that up tonight. It's nowhere near as big a deal as I made it sound.’

 ‘I guess with one set of people cutting you out, it reminded you of another.’

 Perhaps Kate is more perceptive than Rana gives her credit for sometimes. Some of the ice in her heart loosens a bit and she moves to hug Kate, to her surprise. She recovers quickly, but her hold is a little too tight, and she's clutching the back of Rana's top like she might escape at any second.

‘I hate when we fight,’ says Kate in her ear, sounding small and weak. ‘I know it's silly but I get a bit scared.’

She kisses Kate gently - once on the cheek, then a little trail up to her temple. Physical contact with Kate is hard to stop once she's started. ‘All couples fight, babe. And as fights go this was pretty mild. I really am sorry for bringing it up though.’

‘Yeah, but…’ Kate trails off, simply burying her face against Rana's neck and inhaling deeply. ‘Yeah.’

Kate is not okay, and Rana isn't entirely sure why. It's her own fault for opening such a complicated can of worms tonight, so guessing what is upsetting her is an impossible task. The only thing to do is ask. Rana sifts her fingers through Kate's hair too, trying to ease out the remaining tension in her body. ‘Hey… Kate, love. What's the matter?’

Kate rolls her face a little along Rana's clavicle; she feels the damp smear of hastily suppressed tears against her skin. She sniffles.

‘Nothing,’ Kate whispers. ‘You've enough to worry about.’

‘Hey, don't do that. You can tell me.’

‘I am, I'm fine,’ says Kate, who very much doesn't sound it. ‘I just got upset thinking about having hurt you and I…’ She makes an frustrated whine and an odd movement, as though shaking herself. ‘It's okay.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I mean…’ Kate hesitates. ‘Eventually. I'll get over it. Wait - don't let go yet,’ she adds, gripping harder when Rana starts to move. ‘Sorry, I know I’m being super clingy. I just wanna hold you a bit longer. Try and make up for being such an arsehole back then.’

It's getting late; she should make her excuses, because Rana was telling the truth when she said she wanted to avoid an argument with Alya.

Not to mention, she's still a little bit angry at Kate - for reasons she's unsure of, but suspects may be because Kate is the only one she _can_ be angry at right now. Zeedan doesn't deserve her wrath since she betrayed him, and being angry at her parents means acknowledging this isn't somehow Rana's fault. Kate, despite being the one good thing in her life, also feels like the most frustrating at times because she's the source of all of this upheaval.

It's not Kate's fault that they fell in love, and she'd never dream of blaming her - but part of her does wish deep down it was her mum and dad in tears over the prospect of hurting her.

Still.

‘It’s not clingy,’ says Rana softly. She doesn't let go.


	7. May 9th - after Aidan [tw]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn’t intend to watch Corrie, and I especially was not going to write about this but… heh. We all knew I would.
> 
> Part of me wants to delve hard into how Kate would feel about Aidan’s passing. But being real here, I think that’s a hole I shouldn’t go deep into. Not for fanfic anyway. So I will be making the decision to not linger on this part of their storyline, save for this chapter, if I write more fic. I hope that’s okay for you all.
> 
> Anyway, here’s this little weird thing, because might as well turn my weird feelings from the ep into something productive. I don't go hard, but I didn't want to. Nonetheless, PLEASE tread lightly here if this sort of thing is triggering for you. 
> 
> And also, ETA... If any of you ever want to chat to me - about anything - please do drop me a message on whatever platform you feel comfortable. Even if you want an anon convo in the comments here/tumblr. I will reply. 
> 
> I will never pretend to know what any of you are going through, or what hurts you've had; I can never just blithely say 'You'll be fine' even if I believe it to be so. Sometimes it feels like it never will be. And trust me I understand how that feels. But I can try my best to listen regardless. 
> 
> Sharing your pain with others is not a burden on them. You are worth being heard. Your feelings matter. There is no minimum threshold of suffering you must go through to be worthy of love or being listened to. 
> 
> Please don't hide away, and don't be afraid to reach out if you need anything.

****  
‘Can I get you anything?’

Rana is trying to speak quietly, but it still seems loud in Kate’s flat, when it’s just the two of them. Craig is wisely staying the night back at his mum’s, although she’d gotten a text saying to let him know if she needed anything. Alya, however, was home when they arrived. Kate had inwardly groaned in case this started off any conflict between the two of them; she simply did not have the mental energy to deal with it. 

Thankfully, Alya took one look at Kate - weak on her legs, and half supported by Rana - and left the flat immediately. She kept her mouth shut, but the expression on her face was a confusing mixture of pity and sorrow that Kate simply didn’t want to process at the time. She still doesn’t want to think about how Alya might have been empathising with her because of Luke. That’s just one-way ticket to remembering  _ that  _ old pain, too.

Right now all she wants to do is curl up in this blanket and fall asleep the way she did the night before, clutching her phone and sending texts to Rana with a smile on her face. She can redo today, pretend the whole thing didn’t happen…

Rana’s hand gently sifts through her hair where Kate’s head is lying in her lap. ‘Do you want something to eat or drink?’

Rana’s voice and her presence is quite plainly, a distraction. Kate hasn’t decided if she wants it yet, or not, because everything is deceptively calm right now. That’s the detachment; an odd, empty, serenity that feels like she’s outside her body, watching Rana stroke her hair, watching herself stare at the peeling wallpaper opposite. 

But somewhere in her brain she’s still aware of it. Aware of _ everything  _ creeping in the corners of her brain like a shadow. When she comes back to herself - if she ever comes back - it will be there, waiting.

‘Babe,’ says Rana. There’s an ethereal, echoing quality to her voice, like she’s underwater. Or perhaps it’s Kate that’s underwater. Drowning.

Her body doesn’t move like it does in water, though; every movement seems to drag and take place without full consent from her brain. In her mind she seems to see her own lips moving and her vocal cords rasp out, ‘Yep?’

‘Can I do anything?’

Kate feels herself shaking her head. ‘No.’ Blunt. She can’t even feel gratitude for Rana’s presence with a cursory, ‘No  _ thanks,’ _ or even snap with frustrated sarcasm as a way of venting. Because the one thing Kate wants to happen is to bring her brother back, but that isn’t going to happen, so  _ no _ , of course she doesn’t want anything to eat or drink, thanks.

It’s a weird reversal of how things have been between the two of them for weeks now. Kate comforting Rana. Offering food, or drink. A hug. Tangible things. Now she realises how stupid that was when all Rana really wanted was her parents and to grieve the loss, not to trying to appease her fucking girlfriend’s sense of helplessness and need to fix things. 

But then, Rana isn’t Kate. She isn’t trying to fix this, or make Kate eat, drink, or talk about it. 

She just whispers a quiet, ‘Alright,’ and cups the side of Kate’s face pressed against her legs with her fingers, while the other hand returns to carding through Kate’s hair. Her thumb ghosts a mindless circle on the stiff muscle of her jaw - a comforting presence. But it’s clear Rana doesn’t know what else to do.

And it’s odd to realise that Rana is trembling beneath her, and her hand is a little bit damp. In fact, if Kate moves a bit, so is her hair. Rana is crying softly to herself, the tears falling freely onto Kate's body. but hasn’t said a word about it, or even really indicated that she’s upset. Even though she’s shaking, her hand is firm where it touches Kate.

In a strange way, it’s comforting. With Kate’s body as empty as it is right now, it’s as though Rana’s absorbed all those emotions for her. It’s as though - for the time being - Rana is shouldering them for her, until Kate’s willing to have them back. 

She’s not sure she will ever want them back. But in this moment, at least, she's glad she doesn't have to choose.  
  
  



End file.
